“I would be lying if I said my mother’s misery has never given me pleasure. I suffered at her hands as a child, and any pain she subsequently endured appeared to me to be a kind of redemption — a rebalancing of the universe, where the rational order of cause and effect aligned” (1)
Antara has a complicated relationship with her mother
attachment, but resentment
give and take, seeking “balance” in the relationship through retribution
p 40 1981 Tara is a teenager, her marriage is arranged against her will, she becomes pregnant with Antara
p 43 “standing about the door like a dog” Tara told by her mother-in-law to wait for her husband by the door
p 46 – 47 White cotton
Antara looking through photos of her mother at the ashram, the white cotton worn there
Tara sees the white clothes as community
Antara sees them as separating her and her mother from life, friends, family
p 63 Kali Mata
American woman, blue eyes
came to ashram after her family was killed in a car crash
cares for Antara when Tara won’t; Antara as a replacement for Kali Mata’s child
p 67 Baba – leader at the ashram
had a relationship with Tara for a time
p 72 Tara’s memory is slipping away
Nani (grandmother): “Maybe she doesn’t remember because it never happened”
first indication that perhaps Tara’s memory is fine, or that others besides Antara think she is fine
p 76 Doctor’s visit with Antara’s drawings of her mother’s sickness
obsessive, expressive
personal research
side affects of drugs to help with Tara’s memory
Doctor suggests that Antara seek therapy, as being a caregiver is stressful
p 82 Antara and Dilip talk about having children
Dilip wants to have children to “be like everyone else”
p 84 At the ashram, Tara beats a young Antara for not eating in her absence
Tara spend her time with Baba, separated from Antara
Antara stops eating and is distressed
p 86 Scratches her face in her sleep
Kali Mata: “I dreamt that there would be a child to need me”
p 88 Left ashram at 7 years old, 1989
p 89 – 91 Antara talks about her artwork, repeating the same face
obsessive, repetition, replicas
details changing over time
no copy is exact to its original
p 95 Antara talks about how much of her childhood she was hungry, underfed
“I never told her that for a portion of my childhood I was always hungry and have been searching for some fullness ever since”
p 101 Tara stays with Antara and Dilip, burns Antaras drawings in her studio, burning her own hands as well
Earlier, Tara was upset by the drawings, asking who is in the picture
Antara claims it was a photo of a person but she’d lost the photo; the face is simply whoever you see
Is Tara doing this on purpose? Is she lucid or losing it?
p 103 Dilip finds the picture and asks who it is
“He’s a man my mother knew. They used to be lovers”
p 104 1989
After leaving the ashram, Tara and Antara are homeless, living outside Pune Club, near where their family lives
Club employees bring Antara food
she befriends a diseased stray dog
p 109 Antara’s father gets them and takes them to Nani and Nana’s (Tara’s parents)
Nani to Tara: “I hope your tantrum is over”
p 115 Antara’s father remarries
p 150 1995 Reza lives with Antara and Tara, is Tara’s lover
photographer, artist
father is a communist
p 169 Reza takes off and never comes back; Tara is devastated
“Sometimes I think Ma started deteriorating after that day”
p 173 Purvi and Antara talk about how she needs something to do, hasn’t had a real job in years
“Maybe it’s a good time to have a baby”
“A baby will take up space, a baby will fill the day. A baby will tie me irrevocably to Dilip, turn me from a wife to a mother. Maybe I’ll be sacred then. He can never leave me once I have his child. He will never want to” (175)
“A psychotherapist I visited a few years ago at Dilip’s insistence told me that my mother leaving my father, and my father letting us both go, has coloured by view of all relationships” (178)
Why do people have children?
Dilip: right thing to do, be like everyone else
Antara: for attachment, security, to fill time/space (boredom)
Tara: did not have a choice in the matter
p 179 2002 Antara attempts to go to art school, but is told she has to paint too, not just draw. She doesn’t go
“I learned that what I had done all my life had a name. Interventions” (180)
Antara as UN-Tara
Tara had her childhood stolen from her, first by her marriage then by the birth of her daughter
Tara stole her daughter’s childhood in return
becoming a mother requires so much giving; if a woman is not ready to give that much, it will be difficult to be a good mother. The tragedy of Tara is that she never even had a chance to become a woman before she had to become a mother
children don’t care (when they are children) if their mother is unable to care for them; they just know they are not being cared for
